Good fortune, friends. My name is Laughmaker Chukklesh.
I was once Peacemaker Chukklesh but I am finding joke sharing more rewarding because, well, Draenei not really do much of anything useful for Alliance anyways so why not make the hearty laughter for all?
Here is one that the Naaru have not forgotten, and now neither will you: You know the saying, “Each day is a blessing”? Was started by first Draenic lady who get to share bedchamber for more than one night with Laughmaker Chukklesh!
But seriously friends, what is deal with legumes they serve on dimensional ship constructs these days? Exodar peanuts? Not such great taste, let me tell you. For Naaru’s sake, what is deal with that?
Russ: So this isn’t actually your stand-up audition. We have some creepy, weird-ass World of Warcraft artwork to look at and you’ve already killed half a page with your Draenic knock-knock joke equivalents. How about we move forwa-
Chukklesh: Oh yes, how can I forget? This is human scribe from Adventures in Poor Taste. He helps Chukklesh reasonable amount by being… how do you say? Straight man? Dead wood? Stooge?
Russ: Right. Anyways, if you want to get paid a quest reward sum of 13 gold and 22 silver for this, please just look at the pictures and share your thoughts like we agreed beforehand.
Chukklesh: Just tell the little bastards to look up “Rule 34” on their information superhighway and they will find much disturbing images. But you did not hear that from Chukklesh. He is Laughmaker not Disgustmaker or Filthmaker, after all.
Russ: That’s too easy. We need stuff that’s unnerving, but still safe for work. Let’s start with…
Chukklesh: Chronokai kristor, what have we here?
Would not mind opening this one’s heart and legs to the Light one bit, if you catch sexual reference!
Russ: Little hard to miss there, Laughmaker. Also, don’t you find this entire depiction, oh I don’t know… shady as all hell?
Chukklesh: Elaborate, human scribe.
Russ: Yeah, you can stop calling me that.
And is this a common occurrence on Draenor? A female Draenei just standing there naked as a jaybird in some sort of purple void with strategically placed yellow caution tape strategically covering her naughty bits?
What is this? Some sort of CSI: Argus porn parody?
Besides, all corpses in World of Warcraft just wither away into a generic race-appropriate skeleton (or in China’s case, strange pre-made tombstones) seconds after their brutal murder, so it’s not like you’d need the stuff to deter folk from messing around at crime scenes or tampering with evidence.
You’re not listening to me, are you? You’re thinking about using the caution tape as bondage aren’t you?
Chukklesh: Apologies, human accomplice. Chukklesh stopped listening to you many moments ago and instead has been imagining giving this gift from the Naaru the best thirty seconds of her life. Twice. And using caution tape to apply auto-erotic asphyxiation to self from ceiling fan while she watches.
Russ… Forget I asked.
Chukklesh: Troll bathing self? First time for everything, yes? Maybe troll close his eyes because he not want to see stink lines rippling like heat from own fetid body.
Russ: You’re implying that trolls stink. I get it. He’s still got a naked blood elf chick straddling his shoulders and massaging soap suds into his hair: So he’s pretty much living the dream of every WoW player under the age of 16.
Chukklesh: Sure, blood elf girl, she seem happy now; won’t be laughing when she see purple-headed pork truncheon that waits for her beneath water’s surface.
Russ: See, this is where fan art stops being an innocent little pastime and actually begins to tread on some dark, creepy-ass territory. The sort of thing that makes you say stuff like, “Hey, remember Joey? That paladin healer we had in the guild? Well, he used to be a paladin healer in our guild, that is. Kind of like John Wilkes Booth used to be an actor.”
Is this a damn outlet for something? Surely a World of Warcraft player couldn’t be that sexually frustrated. (And thank God they are enacting these elaborate molestation/humiliation scenarios on purple-skinned elf avatars and not someone’s real life daughter.)
I imagine the person behind these images looking like some malformed troglodyte that would make a conflation of Ron Howard and that hunchback from 300 recoil and look away in disgust.
Then again, I also thought that about Cormac McCarthy after reading Child of God and Blood Meridian but he’s fairly normal looking — so who am I to judge?
Chukklesh: Ark’ehnan poross, you humans lead such sheltered sexual lives it is beginning to depress the Laughmaker. Come out of your little cave sometime, will you?
Chukklesh: Ah, this must be that herbaceous “banana” fruit I always hear you humans raving about.
Or as the Night Elves call it in Darnassian: Arauk-nasha Dorani’ka Cok’delar: “Thick, fat, veiny, pulsating, hard-as-a-rock phallic mouth treat.”
Russ: Yeah, I can guaran-damn-tee you that’s not the proper translation.
Chukklesh: Yes, well you know what they say: favor the road traveled by few.
Russ: That has nothing to do with what we’re talking about. You’re just spouting off a random Draenei NPC saying for seemingly no reason.
Chukklesh: The Naaru certainly don’t frown on such behavior, do they?
Russ: … F–k my life.
Russ: See, now this ain’t so bad. Just a happy interracial and interfactional couple enjoying an idyllic day with the cubs out on a rustic field. Look at ’em. Just rolling around in the grass, the cute little bastards.
Chukklesh: I wonder — does Nigel Popplewell really think all little lupine offspring are his?
Russ: Dammit. What are you talking about?
Chukklesh: Both mother and father are having green eyes and the kids are having all different colored eyes and different colored coats and look like bastard litter, mongrel curs.
Russ: Christ. What’s your problem, Chukklesh?
Chukklesh: So I suppose the fact Nigel came home that night to incessant screams of “Shindu fallah na!” over and over again that night was just mere coincidence, right? He should still be buying that “Oh sweety that was nothing I stubbed my toe on the table leg, honest” excuse?
Rut roh, rids. Rommy rucked the rilkman!
Russ: All that’s missing from this couples maternity photo-inspired doodle is a Draenic preggo belly and a Naaru tramp stamp.
… And who knew Josh Holloway had a thing for goatmilk?
Chukklesh: You take stinking hands off her, Josh Holloway. Laughmaker Chukklesh not joking anymore.
Russ: What is Fala Chestgut doing to Jolong Hardspear?
It looks like she’s trying to jump over him but can’t quite make it. Come on, Fala, girl! You can do it!
Russ: Don’t you hate it when your zipper gets stuck and the only remedy is shoving a Pandaren woman face first into your crotch?
What? Why are you looking at me like that? It’s a well-documented fact that a Pandaren’s large molar teeth and strong jaw muscles are perfect for… getting pesky zippers unstuck.
Chukklesh: Chukklesh no longer have heart to make joke. He simply tell it like it is now: This is a sad depiction of a Pandaren woman knob-slobbing a miscreant of a man who still keeps his Level 5 Leather Moccasins and Tunic on during whoopee-making time. You think she’d have a little better taste. There is a special place reserved in the Legion’s fiery pits of anguish for travesty of bestiality like this.
Russ: Look on the bright side, Chukklesh. Where I’m from, natural selection wants panda bears to die off based on their strong indifference to reproducing. They literally don’t want to mate with one another and ensure the survival of their species… so this is a welcome change of pace.
Chukklesh: Curses upon your family.